Thursday, December 15, 2011

Christmas Songs

We all have a favorite Christmas song. Mine is Carol of the Bells. I also have a most despised Christmas song which is The Twelve Days of Christmas. It's stupid, annoying and so repetitive, I'd rather listen to the dogs barking out Jingle Bells all day then listen to that twelve day turd once.

First of all, giving gifts every day instead of all at once sounds more like Hanukkah than Christmas. And what kind of ridiculous gifts are these? What kind of partridge? The bird or one of the family members? And for either one of them to live in it, it must be a full grown tree with roots and everything. What the hell are you going to do with that? And in case you haven't thought about it, you get another one each day. What the heck are you going to do with twelve of these damn trees?

The second day brings turtle doves. I'm starting to think the gift giver is a bird freak.

The third day is French hens and now I know he's a bird freak. But I don't know why anyone would give French hens as a gift. All they do is run away.

The fourth day is, you guessed it, more birds. These are calling birds although there is no mention of who or what they are calling. Sounds like it would be loud and annoying to me.

On the fifth day it's finally something worthwhile with golden rings. It's like having to sit through opening the socks and sweaters before getting to the toy. Things are looking up now.

My hopes are high and I'm excited for the next present when BAM, it's back to the birds again. Six geese a laying. Are they laying eggs or each other? Either way it's not something I really want to see.

My milking maid mom is dry
Next up is seven swans a swimming. More birds. And what are they swimming in? Do they have their own pond or are these things swimming in my bathtub? At this point I have enough bird crap to start my own fertilizer company.

Eight maids a milking. Milking what? Themselves? So I have eight women milking sixteen udders as they come through the door? Squish, squish, squish, squish. And this happens day 8, 9, 10, 11 and 12! It's sounds like Christmas in a Borat movie for Christ's sake.

The last four days bring in the entertainment. Dancers and musicians. I'm guessing the pipers are there just to keep the birds happy.

I don't want to even think about this song any more. I'm going to go sing some real Christmas carols. Woof woof woof, woof woof woof, woof woof woof woof woof.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

News Bites November 2011


Moammar Gadhafi is no more. One man's terrorist is another man's terrorist....
                                                .....or cross dresser.                                                 


He wants to change the tax code with his 999 plan.
 He also wants to change the food stamp program so that they are only good at Godfather's Pizza.


I now pronounce you, Kim Kardashian, and you, Kris Humphries man and...
                    ....ex-wife. I guess that ass isn't all it's cracked up to be.


                               about to eat the audience.


                           It's not occupied, there's still plenty of vagrancy 

Justin Bieber rented out the entire 20,000 seat Staples Center to have dinner in the center of the arena with girlfriend, Selena Gomez. He then rented a movie theater to catch a flick with his girl. What's next? Inside sources tell us that "The Beib" has instructed his peeps to reserve the Garden of Eden for his engagement party.


It should be called "Drug Addicts, Cripples (OK, physically challenged) and Washed Up Losers Sing the Blues". Singing isn't enough for this show. You also need some kind of sappy human interest story which I'm not interested in. Bah humbug.

 This should have been called "A No Talent, Self Absorbed, Unappreciative Fat Ass with a Sex Tape Marries a Neanderthal."  I think three wedding dresses and Kris signing an "I get nothing" pre-nup says it all.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

A New Religion

Tomism shall be the name of the faith and the faith shall be known as Tomism. It shall be pronounced with a long O as in Tome-ism and the holy book shall be known as the Tome Tome.

Here's the basic principle: If there is a god, I will be lifted to the heavens when I meet my earthly demise. If not, I'm glad I didn't spend a lot of time worshiping. If I do go to heaven then I'll be like God's sidekick. He'll want to hang with me because I'm the only one that will tell jokes and prank Him. Everyone else will be just sitting there in awe as they bask in His glory while I slip the whoopee cushion onto the heavenly throne. (For Him, you have to pick the pranks that never get old.)

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Doctor Doctor: Part Two

Pain Management

I went to get a back injection last week. I have to get them periodically for back pain. The doctor is Iranian with just a hint of an accent. He moved to America when he was 4 years old. A very matter-of-fact kind of guy that seems more like a mechanic than a doctor, but he's done over 40,000 of these injections so I like him and have confidence he knows what he's doing. When I went in for the first shot I didn't know what to expect. They had me lie down on my stomach and clipped a little doohickey on my index finger to monitor my heart rate. One would think they were monitoring so that if my heart rate went up they could administer some type of sedative to calm me down. But that was not to be. As I felt the needle going into my back I got nervous and my heart rate did indeed jump up. At that point the doctor yelled at me loudly "CALM DOWN BUDDY!!" which actually worked because I was so shocked I forgot about being nervous.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Wife Shorts

The wife with friends
The wife and I took a vacation and went here because we live in a vacation hotspot. Going to here saved us a lot in travel and hotel costs.

First stop the San Diego Zoo. We were getting off the tour bus and the people behind us waited for us to get off first. The wife told them to go ahead so she wouldn't be rushed, but they politely insisted. The wife, who was now in panic mode, forgot there was a step down from the seat to the aisle and went down faster than a five dollar hooker. She hit the deck hard and put a nice bruise on her leg from her hip to her knee!

Saturday, July 2, 2011

My First Surgery

I was in my mid 30's when I began to get dizzy and nauseous all the time. I mean really dizzy and nauseous. There were days I would sit up in bed and just fall over. I had to take six months off from work while the they did MRI's, CT-scans, and a battery of other tests which all came out negative.

The doctor, who was a humorless man, said there was one more thing to try. He theorized that there may be a microscopic hole in my inner ear that was too small for the scanning devices to pick up. If fluid was leaking out of the hole it would cause a severe imbalance. The only way to tell would be to cut a piece of a tendon out from my scalp above my ear and use it to go in and patch the entire area where the hole might be located. I went along with it because I'm not one of those people who can wiggle their ears so I figured I didn't need that tendon for much anyway.

The first step is filling out the pre-op paperwork and there is plenty of it. After reading through my completed form the admin said that I hadn't listed any previous surgery. She was taken aback when I told her I hadn't had any. She was so amazed and in disbelief that she kept asking me if I was sure and started listing things that "count" as surgery. I assured her I knew what surgery entailed and that up until this point no one had knocked me out and cut me open. I was sure. It's not really something you forget.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Heads Up

It was a simpler time during my formative years back in the early 60's. Our washing machine was a big metal tub designed to hold the water and clothes. A hand crank on the side served to turn the agitator and clean the clothes. Two wooden rollers mounted above the tub acted as wringer to squeeze out most of the water before putting the clothes out on the clothes line strung across the back porch.

A friend of mine recently told me that his brother's arm went through one of those wringers. Ah, the silly pranks brothers play on one another. While it was a simpler time it was also a time when cuts, scrapes, bruises and a broken bone here and there were commonplace.

The place was Boston, Massachusetts. I must have been eight or nine years old at the time. My aunt and uncle were about to move to Texas, a place I only knew as a far away land. My parents were preparing to host a going away party for them at our house.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

In The News

Donald Trump is considering running for president. He won't have a running mate though. He's going to select his cabinet members and then fire one of them every week. Last man standing will be the Apprentice Vice President.

While some are criticizing  his lack of foreign policy experience, he has a novel approach to ensuring world peace. If elected, he will buy Iran and North Korea. Iran will be renamed Iranka. North Korea will become a task on the next Celebrity Apprentice. Team members will be challenged to turn the country (Trumponia) into a fledgling democracy.  Teams will be judged on creativity, originality and brand messaging. His knowledge of world affairs did come into question though, when asked what he would do about the conflict in the Jewish homeland. He said he didn't know there was a problem in Hollywood.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Typical Guy

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and he told me a friend of his read my blog and her only comment was "typical guy". I couldn't help thinking about it when I got home that night.

I used to be a typical guy back in the 70's. Being a typical guy was cool. It meant you were a man's man. Then in the 80's-90's there was a big push for men to be sensitive and treat women as equals. The problem was that no matter what they said, women didn't really dig the metro-sexual, Nancy-boy type. The hot women continued to like the manly, take charge, just a bit of a bad boy kind of man. That's why women have always liked cops. Uniformed, carrying hand cuffs with a loaded weapon kind of cops. It was really a push by the feminist movement, comprised mainly of butch lesbians and tomboys (which is ironic) that spread like a cancer to the entire female population for a while.*

*No need to fill my comment section (I wish) with negative comments calling me anti-gay. I, like many of my typical male counterparts, fully support the lesbian and female bi-sexual community.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Upgrading Technology

I finally got around to upgrading my home technology. I hooked up the wireless router that's been sitting around the house for a year so I finally have the PS3 on-line. I also picked up a printer/scanner/copier/fax for $89. My old printer came "free" when I bought my computer. It runs out of ink after printing 4 or 5 pages and then I have to replace the color-only ink cartridge for $49, which can only be purchased from Dell. Bend over!

I've been meaning to upgrade things for a long time but kept putting it off. I used to be different. I'd always be the first one on the block when anything new came out. It was a little easier back then. New technological advances came slowly and a lot of old fogies didn't care about the newfangled gadgets being sold.

I had one of the first digital watches which was impractical but looked really cool. It must have weighed 7 or 8 pounds and it was huge. More like a wrist weight than a watch. There were no commercial liquid crystal displays so this one had a LED display and went through a battery every week. To save battery power the display was not always on. To see the time you had to push a big round metal button that was really hard to press and left a circle imprint in your finger for a few minutes.