Christmas Songs

We all have a favorite Christmas song. Mine is Carol of the Bells. I also have a most despised Christmas song which is The Twelve Days of Christmas. It's stupid, annoying and so repetitive, I'd rather listen to the dogs barking out Jingle Bells all day then listen to that twelve day turd once.

First of all, giving gifts every day instead of all at once sounds more like Hanukkah than Christmas. And what kind of ridiculous gifts are these? What kind of partridge? The bird or one of the family members? And for either one of them to live in it, it must be a full grown tree with roots and everything. What the hell are you going to do with that? And in case you haven't thought about it, you get another one each day. What the heck are you going to do with twelve of these damn trees?

The second day brings turtle doves. I'm starting to think the gift giver is a bird freak.

The third day is French hens and now I know he's a bird freak. But I don't know why anyone would give French hens as a gift. All they do is run away.

The fourth day is, you guessed it, more birds. These are calling birds although there is no mention of who or what they are calling. Sounds like it would be loud and annoying to me.

On the fifth day it's finally something worthwhile with golden rings. It's like having to sit through opening the socks and sweaters before getting to the toy. Things are looking up now.

My hopes are high and I'm excited for the next present when BAM, it's back to the birds again. Six geese a laying. Are they laying eggs or each other? Either way it's not something I really want to see.

My milking maid mom is dry

Next up is seven swans a swimming. More birds. And what are they swimming in? Do they have their own pond or are these things swimming in my bathtub? At this point I have enough bird crap to start my own fertilizer company.

Eight maids a milking. Milking what? Themselves? So I have eight women milking sixteen udders as they come through the door? Squish, squish, squish, squish. And this happens day 8, 9, 10, 11 and 12! It's sounds like Christmas in a Borat movie for Christ's sake.

The last four days bring in the entertainment. Dancers and musicians. I'm guessing the pipers are there just to keep the birds happy.

I don't want to even think about this song any more. I'm going to go sing some real Christmas carols. Woof woof woof, woof woof woof, woof woof woof woof woof.

The Holidays

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Ahhh, the holidays are here. Well, according to the retail stores they've been here since the day after Halloween. It used to be the day after Thanksgiving but Thanksgiving is not a very profitable holiday so it had to go.

Everybody will have dinner, drink to excess and insult other family members whether you advertise it or not. While the Christmas season has the highest number of suicides, Thanksgiving Day has the distinction of having the most 911 domestic disturbance calls each year.

Maybe it's because Thanksgiving is not a gift giving holiday. People tend to taper back on their criticism when it's a gift giving holiday. I'm trying to think of gifts that would suit the day. A turkey guillotine perhaps for those do-it-yourselfers. Or maybe little toy wind up pigs that say "Catch me if you ham! Catch me if you ham!"

While not an official holiday, Black Friday has become one of the most exciting days of the year. Who will get trampled this year as merry hordes of holiday shoppers stampede through the opening doors at 5am? Who will throw the first punch as two women fight over the last Shu Shu pet? Will firearms be a part of your shopping plans this year? You never know what might happen as you battle to find something that says you care for your loved ones. What's a few deadly altercations when compared to the smiles on your children's faces when they open that present that they'll always remember for the next 2 or 3 days?

Online shopping is quickly growing in popularity. There are great deals to be found on Black Friday and Cyber Monday. Of course it's rather impersonal and doesn't give you the same Christmas cheer as shopping in a brick and mortar store. I had a thought about that. What if when you click the checkout button a bunch of shopping zombies start attacking you and try to take away your purchase. You have to shoot them all with your virtual gun before you can buy the item. It would be almost like being there!

Ok. Time to have some spiked eggnog then jump in the car and look at Christmas lights. Our city has a 'town square' so to speak so we went down to take a look. On one corner was a Christmas tree with presents under it. On another was Santa's hut with reindeer out front. This is really all anyone wants to see but then there's the matter of political correctness. The other two corners had a nativity scene (the birth of a 2000 year old religious figure), a menorah (to celebrate a religion even older than that), a Kwanzaa thingy (that dates waaaaaay back to 1965) and something from somebody else's holiday that I've never even heard of before. I don't mind people having their holiday, I just want them to do it on their own and stop using Christmas!

Christmas eve. The wife will be all snuggled up in bed in a drug induced stupor because she is getting foot surgery the day before. Good timing! She's upset that she might miss out on the festivities Christmas morning. My son, bless his heart, told her he would help her out to the living room so she could be with the rest of us. When she explained that the pain meds would probably have her in a semi-conscious state, he told her not to worry because he would just prop her up on the couch so we could all be together. I like it! She'll be like a human ornament! I know I'll be putting a funny little Christmas hat on her head. No telling what the kids will come up with but it sounds like a good time will be had by all.

Christmas day and bells will be ringing. They'll be ringing in my ear because the wife went out and bought a recuperation bell. You know, like in that movie with Betty Grable or who ever it was where she was an invalid and kept ringing the bell to summon her family members and they all wanted to kill her. My wife has trouble combining her "requests" so she asks for stuff one at a time. She usually thinks of the next thing she needs right after you sit back down in front of the TV.

She had the other foot operated on last year. She had a bell then too but it was a small bell so we could pretend we couldn't hear it over the TV. This year she went out and bought a two-hander. This thing is freakin' huge! She gave it a couple of practice rings and a few minutes later two people came to the door asking what time services started.

And finally there's New Years. Out with the old and in with the new. This will be the best year ever. It's a new beginning. The funny thing is that I think many people actually believe this stuff.....for the 10 seconds the ball is dropping in Times Square. Then when the giant 7 ton ball hits bottom it's symbolic of crushing everyone's hopes and dreams, albeit in a colorful, festive manner. And then there's the New Years resolutions. I hate the stupid New Years resolutions. I don't have one and I don't want to hear about yours. I hate people asking over and over "What's your New Years resolution? What's your New Years resolution? You have to have a New Years resolution."

I started making them up but I still had to deal with the over zealous idiots who would ask every week "Hows your New Years resolution going?" They ask hoping you've failed so that they don't have to feel bad about failing at their own. So now I make up something that I can fail right away so that they don't keep asking. Something like no more fatty foods. Oops, had turkey dinner with the works on New Years Day. Oh well, maybe next year. Quitting smoking is a good one too. You can knock that one out with coffee New Years morning!