Thursday, December 15, 2011

Christmas Songs

We all have a favorite Christmas song. Mine is Carol of the Bells. I also have a most despised Christmas song which is The Twelve Days of Christmas. It's stupid, annoying and so repetitive, I'd rather listen to the dogs barking out Jingle Bells all day then listen to that twelve day turd once.

First of all, giving gifts every day instead of all at once sounds more like Hanukkah than Christmas. And what kind of ridiculous gifts are these? What kind of partridge? The bird or one of the family members? And for either one of them to live in it, it must be a full grown tree with roots and everything. What the hell are you going to do with that? And in case you haven't thought about it, you get another one each day. What the heck are you going to do with twelve of these damn trees?

The second day brings turtle doves. I'm starting to think the gift giver is a bird freak.

The third day is French hens and now I know he's a bird freak. But I don't know why anyone would give French hens as a gift. All they do is run away.

The fourth day is, you guessed it, more birds. These are calling birds although there is no mention of who or what they are calling. Sounds like it would be loud and annoying to me.

On the fifth day it's finally something worthwhile with golden rings. It's like having to sit through opening the socks and sweaters before getting to the toy. Things are looking up now.

My hopes are high and I'm excited for the next present when BAM, it's back to the birds again. Six geese a laying. Are they laying eggs or each other? Either way it's not something I really want to see.

My milking maid mom is dry
Next up is seven swans a swimming. More birds. And what are they swimming in? Do they have their own pond or are these things swimming in my bathtub? At this point I have enough bird crap to start my own fertilizer company.

Eight maids a milking. Milking what? Themselves? So I have eight women milking sixteen udders as they come through the door? Squish, squish, squish, squish. And this happens day 8, 9, 10, 11 and 12! It's sounds like Christmas in a Borat movie for Christ's sake.

The last four days bring in the entertainment. Dancers and musicians. I'm guessing the pipers are there just to keep the birds happy.

I don't want to even think about this song any more. I'm going to go sing some real Christmas carols. Woof woof woof, woof woof woof, woof woof woof woof woof.