Friday, June 26, 2009

Doctor, Doctor

I've had my share of medical exams. Here are a few I find memorable:

So I go in to have an MRI exam done and the technician calls me in from the waiting room. He says to take any metal items like coins, cell phone, watch, jewelery, etc

Modern high field clinical MRI scanner. (3T Ac...Image via Wikipedia

and put them in a small locker before we go into the examination room. I ask if I should take off my belt since I've done this before and was asked to take it off the last time. He tells me no, that's not necessary.

We go into the room with the MRI machine and I lie down on the table. He pushes a button to slide the table in and turns on the machine and now my belt buckle is up near my throat. I'm trying to push it back down with my hands because the seam of my pants is crushing my testicles but I hear a voice and it's coming through the machine so it sounds like God is talking to you. The low, stern voice said "Please don't move while the exam is in progress." So I wait it out.

After a few minutes the table starts to slide out of the machine and the pressure on my groin starts to subside. The test isn't over, the technician is just pulling me out to inject dye for the next part of the test. I turn my head to him with a 'what the hell' look on my face and he says "Oh, I guess your belt buckle isn't made of aluminum!" So I said "Did you think I made it out of a beer can or something?" With that, he pushes a button and sends me back in! Buckle back in my throat and pants seam crushing the twins again. Lesson learned: sarcastic remarks should be made only after the test has concluded.

I woke up one day to find one of my testicles had ballooned to about 3 times it's normal size, making it quite painful to even walk. I headed down to Urgent Care and the doctor explained that it could be either an infection or a strain from lifting something. He said there was really no need to find out which it was because he could easily treat me for both by prescribing an antibiotic and an anti-inflammatory.

Eager to avoid a re-occurrence, I asked what could cause such an infection. He said "There are a number of ways to contract the infection," and then added "but the best way to prevent it is frequent ejaculation". My immediate response was "Will you put that in writing so I can show my wife?" He then said in all seriousness "I can do better than that. Tell your wife we have a nurse here at Urgent Care that performs that service." With a mixture of curiosity and disbelief I said "Really?" Without skipping a beat he replied "Yes, but he's only here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

After I turned 40, my doctor went on a crusade to get me to get my prostate checked. I refused time after time but eventually gave up during one particular visit and figured what the heck, I might as well get it over with. It would just take a few seconds and he would stop his incessant whining. BIG mistake!

He checks and says it feels a little harder than it should and that he was going to refer me to a specialist. Great. I make an appointment and head on in to get a "professional" examination. First the doctor's assistant comes into the room and asks me to drop my pants and underwear. He then begins to squeeze my testicles like he's checking grapefruits! He looks up at me and says "One is a little bit bigger than the other one. Has it always been this way?" I said "I don't know. I don't play with them as much as you do."

Next, in comes the proctologist who refers to himself as a colorectal surgeon. He looks like a character from a Tim Burton movie. He's tall, white and thin with black circles under his eyes and a big black afro. I haven't seen a white guy with an afro like this in 20 years! You can tell by the evil grin on his face as he says "Let's get started," that this is a man who really enjoys his work. The kind of guy who shouted "Proctologist!" when his 7th grade teacher asked the class what they wanted to be when they grew up.

He then proceeded to stick his arm up my rear end up to his elbow, or at least that's what it felt like. He moved his hand around so as to cause as much pain and discomfort as possible and then said that everything was fine. No problem. He told me I should come back for an annual check-up. Riiiiight. Don't call me, I'll call you.

Reblog this post [with Zemanta]

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Who is Perez Hilton?

I'd never heard of this knucklehead before the ridiculous dust up with Miss California. Then, after seeing the "big celebrity news" that he was punched in the face by one of the Black Eyed Peas, I decided to check him out.

I plugged his name into the search engine at Wikipedia. I'd never used Wikipedia before but had heard it was a site that was a continually updated encyclopedia. So before I checked on Hilton, I did a search for Wikipedia on Wikipedia. Sure enough, users are allowed to add, delete or edit any of the 13 million articles on the site meaning whatever you read may or may not be true! But I digress.

The first thing that pops up is his picture. He's not a very attractive man to say the least. I guess because I knew he was a Hollywood type I just figured he wouldn't be hideous. Aside from other facial anomalies, his head is too big. There, I've said it. I know you were thinking it.

His real name is Mario Lavenderderriere or something like that and according to Wiki he's got a nasty personality to match his face. Apparently, Hilton has made a name for himself by making derogatory remarks about celebrities in his blog and by "outing" famous people. Since he's gay himself, one would think he'd have a little more empathy for others who are still in the closet. The fact that he doesn't, shows he is only interested in making a buck even if it's at the expense of others. When a celebrity announces he's gay it will have an affect on his career. Might be good or might be bad, sometimes to the tune of millions of dollars. If and when the actor decides to make it public should be up to him. You'll notice I've only talked about this being a detriment to male homosexuals. Everybody loves lesbians........or at least the good looking ones. Trying to think of a lesbian outing that hurt someone's career and none come to mind. But I digress.

So Hilton had a beef with Miss California because she doesn't support gay marriage. Well I for one see this as a valid opinion and liked that she said what she was really thinking rather than give the usual cookie cutter, don't take a side response that you normally hear. Hilton obviously disagrees as he said she should have given an answer with no opinion either way because anyone in the public eye should be politically correct all the time. He then went on to do everything he could to get her removed from the Miss USA competition. Nice.

The latest is that he got in a tussle with one of the Black Eyed Peas and got punched in the face. Amazingly, no one is sticking up for him. Practically everyone, including the toast of Hollywood, are saying he deserved it! I love it! Hmmmm.....a black eye from the Black Eyed Peas. He better be careful what he says about the Fine Young Cannibals.

Big T

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Hockey, Where's the Love?

Let's look at the big 3 first.

BASEBALL: Mind numbing, slit your wrists boring! I was given some free tickets and went to the game but the only thing that kept me there for a few innings was the hot dogs which are awesome and the nachos which are pretty good too. Then I left. The game is so slow that when you watch it on TV you can channel surf between pitches and not miss any of the game. The only game more boring than baseball is soccer. Nuff said.

FOOTBALL: Not too bad really but there is still a lot of down time between plays. And that's not counting the 16 time outs each team gets in each half of the game. I don't watch during the regular season but I do tune into the playoffs and Superbowl. I always tune out right after the game though because the p0st game interviews make me cringe.

BASKETBALL: Where do I begin? The most exciting part of any team sport is when your team scores. A runner crosses the plate and the crowd roars! A running back breaks through the line and jumps into the end zone and the whole stadium is on its' feet! A fleet footed right winger races down the ice and rips a slap shot over the goalies' glove hand and the cheers are deafening. When both teams score 50 times a game, not so exciting.

Add the fact that there is a stoppage in play every time there is a foul (every other minute) and there is no flow to the game at all. Here I actually have some constructive criticism that would help speed up the game and make it a little more exciting. NO MORE FOUL SHOTS! If a foul is committed, 1 or 2 points are awarded according to the foul and play goes on. I guarantee there will be far less fouls and a faster paced game. Besides, doesn't it irk you to watch a guy who gets paid millions of dollars to play basketball miss a freakin' free throw? Here too it's prudent to change the channel before the post game interviews.

Now let's try and think of what would make a perfect spectator sport. Something fast and exciting. A game that doesn't have a lot of stoppages. So few in fact that the players have to change on and off the playing field while the play is in progress! A contact sport where you can hit your opponent as hard and often as you like. And if you really get pissed off you can beat the crap out of him with the only punishment being a 5 minute "time out" in the corner.

OMG! That's hockey! Players skating at speeds approaching 30 mph shooting a frozen piece of vulcanized rubber (basically a rock) at speeds of 100 mph and up. Play often going 6, 7 or 8 minutes at a time without a whistle and rule changes when possible to have even less stoppages. A contact sport where guys with broken ribs continue to play with a flak jacket on. Guys with broken jaws routinely play with their jaws wired shut. Guys that have teeth knocked out or get a serious laceration are sewn up in the dressing room and sent back out on the ice within minutes!

All of this and hockey still doesn't have a national TV contract due to low ratings. WHY AREN'T YOU PEOPLE WATCHING??????

Big T