Saturday, October 1, 2011

A New Religion

Tomism shall be the name of the faith and the faith shall be known as Tomism. It shall be pronounced with a long O as in Tome-ism and the holy book shall be known as the Tome Tome.

Here's the basic principle: If there is a god, I will be lifted to the heavens when I meet my earthly demise. If not, I'm glad I didn't spend a lot of time worshiping. If I do go to heaven then I'll be like God's sidekick. He'll want to hang with me because I'm the only one that will tell jokes and prank Him. Everyone else will be just sitting there in awe as they bask in His glory while I slip the whoopee cushion onto the heavenly throne. (For Him, you have to pick the pranks that never get old.)

There's no going to church because church costs money and religion should be free.

Besides, I don't need a priest to read the bible and dissect every word of it so that he has something to talk about each week. Since it's a translation to English, every word doesn't have a meaning anyway. Also, I can read.

Furthermore, religion should be personal. I don't need or want to shake the hand of the person next to me and utter some ridiculous nicety. You have no idea who this "church neighbor" is and  you may not even want to touch him/her. I know I don't.
A Compromise

If I had a church I wouldn't put a big Jesus nailed to a big cross at the front. It's not very welcoming or particularly uplifting. Religion is supposed to make you feel good. I would put up a big smiley face!

I wouldn't have people sit in pews either. It sounds like something you say when you smell a really foul odor. I would call them.......seats.

Man was made in the image of God and humor is what makes us uniquely human. Therefore, God must have a great sense of humor. I would definitely replace the sermon with a stand up comic. The jokes will all have a religious theme. For instance; God and the devil were having an argument and after much debate could not resolve it. God said "I think we need to take this to court and let a judge decide." Satan laughed and replied "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"

And that communion thing is totally rigged for the house. The priests get to start drinking every morning at 8am while the parishioners get to eat little round pieces of what tastes like cardboard for breakfast. How about mini bagels or doughnut holes or something. They could at least make them taste minty. You might not mind your church neighbor as much if they did.

Also, I  would have better souvenirs than those miniature crosses and rosary beads and little bottles of holy water. What's that for anyway? Warding off vampires? Wouldn't it be cheaper and easier to make a donation to the church and have a priest come out to your house and bless the kitchen faucet?

In a way it's too bad I won't have a church because I have a lot of great church ideas, right? Other religions are welcome to incorporate any of these into their own faith if they wish.

My Bible would be smaller too. The current one is too big to fit in your pocket for getting holy on the go. The great flood would only last five days and five nights. Nobody would die but everyone would get really, really wet. Lesson learned I think.

Also, God would tell Moses about the whole Star of Bethlehem thing so he would get the Israelites across the desert in a couple of months.

And how about those Egyptian plagues? I think two is sufficient as long as you pick the right two, which would be number 6 and number 10. Compared to unhealable boils and death to your firstborn, raining frogs are just free pets for the kids and a few locusts are good to trim the crops back.

It's a work in progress really. I'll keep you updated in case you want to become a member, and I know you do. This is going to be the best religion ever!

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