Saturday, August 14, 2010

Beach Handbook

A handy dandy guide to beach etiquette.

Don't smoke. You can't smoke on the beach anymore. Why? Because a bunch of candy asses complained about second hand smoke. Today the beach was packed and there was an aroma of marijuana wafting through the air. Not one candy ass complained about that.

Don't bring glass. You can't have glass on the beach. Today, one of those little Beach Patrol girls in her little white uniform and bicycle helmet sneaked up behind me on her knees and stuck her face over my shoulder and told me I had to throw my Starbucks drink away because it was in a bottle. Scared the bejesus out of me. It was like something out of an old movie of the future showing silly stuff that would never really happen.

Don't bring beer. You can't drink beer on the beach. When the hell did this happen? Back in the day, the only way to cool down sitting at the beach on a hot day was drinking cold brewskies out of a trunk sized cooler. Why did this happen? Did the candy asses complain about second hand alcohol?

Don't wear a two piece bathing suit if your pregnant. Don't! I don't care how good you think you look. When you checked yourself out in the mirror you thought to yourself "Hmmmm... I look pretty good for someone who's pregnant." You don't look good if you have to use a disclaimer. It's like saying "Hmmmm... I look pretty good in this thong for someone with a huge, fat, cottage cheese ass." No, you don't! And unless that thong is made from high tension wire, the minute you sit down it's going to snap and fly across the beach into someone's face.

Click on pic for larger image
The wife thinks it's great. She thinks it's a sign of a woman's confidence and self esteem if she hits the beach in a bikini in her ninth month of pregnancy. That's great, but what about the rest of us who have to look at her while we're trying to enjoy ourselves in the sand and surf? In the famous words of someone or other, "The good of the many outweigh the good of the one."

Don't wear a speedo. I notice the European guys like to do this. You know, the pasty white, freckled, out of shape European guys. The front is bad enough since there's usually some squirrelly hairs sticking out of it but the back is even worse. Nobody wants to see flabby, white man ass jiggling down the beach.

Do go topless if you have the goods. It helps us take our minds off the pregnant lady in the bikini.

For me, it's all about the strategy
Do keep your legs together if you've cut that netting crap out of your bathing suit gentlemen. It's lots more comfortable, but can be quite revealing and it's just not a pretty sight fellas.

Do bring a small packet of ketchup and splatter it on your head after you're hit by a football or Frisbee. Scream your lungs out and keep yelling "You're going to jail for this!!!" at the obnoxious jerk that hit you.

Do insist to your significant other that you've always been interested in beach volleyball from a sporting perspective and that you've never even noticed the tight abs and asses. Don't be surprised to find out that he or she too appreciates the athletic ability of the players.

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  1. I suppose I am a candy ass. O__o I despise smoking with passion and I don't want any smoke coming near me.
    PS: The pics amused me.
    PPS: Alot. (:

  2. Thanks for stopping by and having a read Jodiee!