Sunday, July 18, 2010

I'm Pregnant!!

Imagine? I can't. It would be the weirdest thing ever.

First you start by bleeding 4 or 5 days out of the month. That's got to be weird enough. Then, when you finally have a month that you stop bleeding, you would think the first thing that would come to mind would be "Whew, I'm glad that's over!" But no, the first thing that comes to mind is to run into the bathroom and pee on a stick to see if it changes color.

The stick peeing, however, is a lose / lose situation. If it doesn't change color, you're going to start bleeding again. If it does change color then you have a living creature growing inside you. The only thing I can relate this to is the movie Alien where an affected crew member has a creature growing inside him which eventually bursts out of his chest and starts screaming. Really all you have to do is take that sentence and replace the word chest with vagina and you have pregnant. How crazy would it be to have someone growing in you for nine months and then have that person crawl out of a hole in your body? It sounds like something out of a bad Monty Python skit.

Witnessing the event is no piece of cake either. It's not much better than seeing the pictured alien chest bursting. The baby crawls out covered in this green/yellow/purple sac with an umbilical cord that looks like a long, alien type tail. When a kid doesn't look like his father, people usually ask if he looks like the mailman. When I saw my first child being born I asked my wife if she'd been recently abducted.

And what about people that film the birth? What's all that about? Who the hell is ever going to want to watch that on a 52' flat screen? Nobody, that's who. Nobody! Especially the kid when he gets older so don't even think about that because it would scar him for life. I can't see dad and mom really anxious to get another look at a 6 or 7 pound ball of flesh forcing it's way out of her seemingly giant vagina either. Which reminds me of the old joke where a husband says "Honey, I'm home and I'd like to get a little pussy." To which the wife replies, "Me too, mine's as big as a house!" And if you're planning on showing the film to family and friends, you might as blow up a couple of still pictures of the birth and hang them on the wall. I don't see anybody doing that.  

I'm really glad I'm not a woman.

Wife Update          

So I had been thinking that it had been a while since the wife had done anything...well...let's say 'quirky', and then it happened. We had music playing while we were cleaning the house. At this particular moment, John Mayer's Gravity was on and when I turned to say something to the wife I stopped mid-sentence when I saw her lifting her boobs up and down to the song. It went something like this:

"Gravity" (pulls boobs up)
"is working against me" (pulls boobs down)
"And gravity" (pulls boobs up)
"wants to bring me down" (pulls boobs down again)
"Oh twice as much" (pulls boobs up and pushes them together)
"ain't twice as good" (shakes her head)
"And can't sustain like one half could" (drops one boob)
"It's wanting more" (picks it up again)
"that's going to send me to my knees" (didn't happen unfortunately)
"Gravity" (pulls boobs down)
"stay the hell away from me" (pulls em back up again)

And, well, you get the idea. When you live with the wife this blog just writes itself sometimes.

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