Thursday, June 10, 2010

Addicted to Love

-Celebrities cheating on their wives is nothing new but I love the excuse de jour which is "help me, I'm a sex addict!". That just cracks me up. They say it like there's a guy out there who isn't a sex addict. If a hot girl walks into a crowded room with a little side boob showing I can guarantee that every guy in the room will notice within 5 seconds. If there's a nipple slip you're likely to hear at least one guy lose it and just say it out loud. "Nipple!" For men it's like spotting a shooting star or a firefly. It's a rarity we just have to point out.

Tiger Woods, Jesse James and now David Boranz or Bornaz or whatever his name is, you know, the guy from Bones and Buffy. They've all been caught and they're all crying sex addiction. The beauty of this defense is that the more women you have sex with, the better it works! Two of these guys actually cheated with the same woman. I'm pretty sure that's like heroine addicts sharing needles.

Extramarital sex with one women is just an affair, but once you're up to 3 or 4 or in Tiger's case 3 or 4 hundred then your eligible for SAD (Sex Addiction Defense). You claim that instead of thinking about sex every 7 seconds like most men, you think about it every 3 seconds and that should qualify you as an addict. "You can't be mad at me honey. It's a disease!" These days everything bad you do to excess is a disease. I keep telling the wife that I want to put the toilet seat down but I can't because I have a disease. So far she's not buyin' it.

What about poor Tiger, eh? Imagine what he must be thinking as he looks out over the first tee and sees the flag stuck in the hole. How can the poor man concentrate on pulling out his driving wood and blasting away?

And David Bornass works on a TV show that has every cast member except him sleeping with someone on a regular basis. Do you know how sexually frustrating that must be? How is he supposed concentrate on using his cunning lingual skills to deliver a fluid performance? Poor guy.

Jesse James on the other hand is just stupid I'm afraid. I understand the first day Sandra Bullock brought the little black baby home Jesse asked if the baby was his. He was relieved to find the baby was adopted. Otherwise it would be quite awkward when the day came to hand down all of his treasured Nazi memorabilia.

Most people think these guys go into therapy to try and save their marriage, which is of course ridiculous. If they gave a crap about their wives or their marriages they wouldn't be out shtooping every other girl that smiles at them. They do it to try and salvage endorsements worth millions of dollars. Hot chicks are a dime a dozen. Nike endorsements? Not so much. I think there should be a test. If a guy claims he's a sex addict then lock him in a room with Amy Winehouse or Courtney Love and see if he's suddenly cured.

I don't think these guys should be chastised as much as the rest of us should be congratulated for staying faithful. It's easier for women because they don't have to deal with the same bio-mechanics. It's a known fact that when a man sees a hot girl blood immediately rushes downstairs from his brain. The amount of blood transferred is directly proportional to amount of clothes the girl is wearing at the time. This makes it very difficult to think, let alone make any kind of decision. Other symptoms include glassy eyes, stuttering and in severe cases drooling can occur. If it wasn't for the heart and lungs running on auto-pilot guys would be dropping dead left and right.

Late breaking news: I just read that some of Tiger's mistresses are going on tour! No kidding. I can see the pitch line now: You've always wanted to play a round with Tiger. Now you can do the next best thing and play around with his mistress!
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