Friday, June 26, 2009

Doctor, Doctor

I've had my share of medical exams. Here are a few I find memorable:

So I go in to have an MRI exam done and the technician calls me in from the waiting room. He says to take any metal items like coins, cell phone, watch, jewelery, etc

Modern high field clinical MRI scanner. (3T Ac...Image via Wikipedia

and put them in a small locker before we go into the examination room. I ask if I should take off my belt since I've done this before and was asked to take it off the last time. He tells me no, that's not necessary.

We go into the room with the MRI machine and I lie down on the table. He pushes a button to slide the table in and turns on the machine and now my belt buckle is up near my throat. I'm trying to push it back down with my hands because the seam of my pants is crushing my testicles but I hear a voice and it's coming through the machine so it sounds like God is talking to you. The low, stern voice said "Please don't move while the exam is in progress." So I wait it out.

After a few minutes the table starts to slide out of the machine and the pressure on my groin starts to subside. The test isn't over, the technician is just pulling me out to inject dye for the next part of the test. I turn my head to him with a 'what the hell' look on my face and he says "Oh, I guess your belt buckle isn't made of aluminum!" So I said "Did you think I made it out of a beer can or something?" With that, he pushes a button and sends me back in! Buckle back in my throat and pants seam crushing the twins again. Lesson learned: sarcastic remarks should be made only after the test has concluded.

I woke up one day to find one of my testicles had ballooned to about 3 times it's normal size, making it quite painful to even walk. I headed down to Urgent Care and the doctor explained that it could be either an infection or a strain from lifting something. He said there was really no need to find out which it was because he could easily treat me for both by prescribing an antibiotic and an anti-inflammatory.

Eager to avoid a re-occurrence, I asked what could cause such an infection. He said "There are a number of ways to contract the infection," and then added "but the best way to prevent it is frequent ejaculation". My immediate response was "Will you put that in writing so I can show my wife?" He then said in all seriousness "I can do better than that. Tell your wife we have a nurse here at Urgent Care that performs that service." With a mixture of curiosity and disbelief I said "Really?" Without skipping a beat he replied "Yes, but he's only here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

After I turned 40, my doctor went on a crusade to get me to get my prostate checked. I refused time after time but eventually gave up during one particular visit and figured what the heck, I might as well get it over with. It would just take a few seconds and he would stop his incessant whining. BIG mistake!

He checks and says it feels a little harder than it should and that he was going to refer me to a specialist. Great. I make an appointment and head on in to get a "professional" examination. First the doctor's assistant comes into the room and asks me to drop my pants and underwear. He then begins to squeeze my testicles like he's checking grapefruits! He looks up at me and says "One is a little bit bigger than the other one. Has it always been this way?" I said "I don't know. I don't play with them as much as you do."

Next, in comes the proctologist who refers to himself as a colorectal surgeon. He looks like a character from a Tim Burton movie. He's tall, white and thin with black circles under his eyes and a big black afro. I haven't seen a white guy with an afro like this in 20 years! You can tell by the evil grin on his face as he says "Let's get started," that this is a man who really enjoys his work. The kind of guy who shouted "Proctologist!" when his 7th grade teacher asked the class what they wanted to be when they grew up.

He then proceeded to stick his arm up my rear end up to his elbow, or at least that's what it felt like. He moved his hand around so as to cause as much pain and discomfort as possible and then said that everything was fine. No problem. He told me I should come back for an annual check-up. Riiiiight. Don't call me, I'll call you.

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