Thursday, April 1, 2010

55 And I Still Drive

Holy crap! I'm a senior! A senior.......... really? A senior? Holy crap! How did this happen? How did 55 years go by without me noticing? Whenever I'm driving some gram-pa or gram-ma will cut me off or will be driving 12 miles an hour on the freeway and I'll start complaining that the damn seniors should have to take road tests every year. We have a senior community in our area called Seizure Wor, uh, I mean Leisure World and nobody drives within miles of it. The huge boat sized cars are bad enough but the crazy ones are taking the golf carts out on the street. I don't want to take a road test every year!

Old people aren't the only deadly hazards out on the road. There are Asians, women and cell phones. The most dangerous thing on the road is an old Asian woman talking on her cell phone. It's like Jaws of the freeway drifting in and out of lanes trying to hit anything and everything around it. When you see this coming up in your rear view mirror you can hear that Jaws music in your head. dun dun, Dun Dun, DUN DUN!

Seniors are old and wrinkly. I'm not old and .........oh crap! When did that happen?! Look at all those wrinkles. The mirror is no longer my friend. Look at all the hair that's missing from the top of my head! And...OH MY GOD!... it looks like it all slid down onto my back! Oh this is getting worse by the minute. Look at my ass, or lack thereof. I look like a frog standing upright! One good thing though, I'm glad I wore briefs all these years. Guys my age that wore boxers have knee knockers now.

Oh well, I figured it wasn't all bad news. At least now the wife and I could get the senior discount. First stop was Denny's. We go there for a midnight meal on Friday night because no place else is open. I took a look at the senior menu for the first time and realized it's less money but it's less food too! They just took the kid's meal menu and stuck senior at the top! What the hell? That's not a discount.

Speaking of Denny's, we were just there the other night. I decided to get the Slamburger and the wife opted for triple cheese melt. When the waiter asked for her order she said, and I quote "I'll have the triple cheese melt and jizz." For the next 2 or 3 seconds my mind was racing trying to think of any possible reason she would say that and came up with nothing. Then I just starting laughing. The wife laughed and the waiter said something about it being really late and then she explained that she meant to say "Just with the Swiss cheese." I've heard people mush two words together but shortening 5 words into one syllable should be in the Guinness World Book of Records.

Next stop was the movie theater. Now we're talking. Instead of $11.50 a ticket it was only 8.50 a ticket with the discount. Six bucks off for the two of us. After a few months of using it my wife pointed out that the sign said seniors 60 and over. That was a double slap in the face. Aside from the fact that we can't use the discount for another 5 years, we apparently both look like we're over 60!

I keep getting this magazine from a group called AARP. I think it stands for American Association of Really old People. They offer seniors discounts on things like car insurance for the car they shouldn't be driving. They're also big on travel discounts for the vacations we can't afford. I received a letter from Social Security the other day letting me know how much I'm going to get in payments when I retire, assuming I live that long. I was hoping we could at least afford the "gourmet" dog food but it looks like it will be Alpo and rice for us. Better start honing my greeting skills for Walmart.

*****Whoa! Just had an earthquake as I was writing this blog. Pretty good one too (*turned out to be a 7.2 just south of the border). They tell people to run for the doorways so the door frame will protect them. They really tell people that because it's easier to find the bodies if they're all in one place. Me? I go for the big screen. If the TV goes, I'm going with it!*******

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