Saturday, February 5, 2011

Declaration of Malentine Day

Hear ye! Hear ye!

OK, so whether you girls want to admit it or not, Valentines Day is really just a day for the women. Guys pretend to be into it because if the don't they won't get any for a month, and if they do they'll get some that night. Not really much of a choice.

That being said, I think guys should have their own day. It's been suggested that Superbowl Sunday is just for the guys, but everyone knows that chicks like beer and football just as much as guys do, they just won't admit it.

This new day shall be known as Malentines Day and the symbol will be an upside down heart on an upside down golf tee (a spade for those of you with limited imagination). It shall symbolize how much men love golf, which for some reason they all do sooner or later.

Golf looks like a stupid game but I played a couple of times and it was fun. I just don't understand why everyone has to be quiet when someone tees off. Fifty thousand people can scream at the top of their lungs while a baseball player tries to hit a rock hard ball that's being thrown at him in excess of 90 mph and there's no problem. If you sneeze while a golfer is teeing off they slap you in the face with a pair of gloves and ban you from the country club. I don't get it. But I digress.

While Valentines Day has cupids, we shall have stupids. A cupid is a little chubby boy with wings who shoots an arrow into the heart to make someone fall in love. A stupid is an old, unshaven, fat man with wings who shoots an arrow into the heart of the girlfriend/wife to make her forget all the stupid stuff the guy has done in the last year.

Valentines Day is all about romance while Malentines Day is all about no pants. The "ignorance is bliss" women blind themselves to the fact that men don't really enjoy romance. Your lover does it to make you happy but he doesn't really look forward to a candle lit dinner. Men like to see what they're about to eat. So let's make a deal. From this day forward, we'll be romantic if you'll be nopantic.

The day shall begin with a romantic interlude followed by a home cooked breakfast and a fresh pot of coffee. During the day, the girlfriend/wife shall only speak of things like the physical attributes of other women or how much they appreciate their man. There shall be no bitching and moaning. Well, let me amend that. There shall be no bitching but moaning may be allowed under certain circumstances.

After the breakfast, a romantic interlude shall take place before the afternoon poker game with his buddies commences. The women are welcome to join in the game (as servers, not players of course). During the game, the men will consume copious amounts of sandwiches, chips and beer so make sure you are stocked up on all three.

Later in the day shall be the gift giving time. Gifts should consist of what you know best. If you're thinking of games or electronics, a gift card to Best Buy or Amazon would be a safe bet . You may want to go another route and pick up something for yourself. Something from Victoria's Secret if you want to be classy or Frederick's of Hollywood if you're going for trashy. There's really no wrong choice here.

In the early evening, the woman shall take the man out to a restaurant of his choice. The man should have a second choice in mind just in case Hooters is booked. After dinner a romantic interlude shall take place to end the evening. It's important to remember that during all interludes, sounds may be made and words may be said but not in such a manner that they form sentences or paragraphs or incessant yapping. Let us instead focus on the task at hand.

The Malentine declaration has been made and so it shall be.


  1. A Festivus for the rest of us! So what day is this going to fall on? I can't wait.

  2. I think we should make it one of those confusing holidays and make it the 3rd Sunday of each February. That way we can guilt the women by saying "You didn't remember. I'm crushed!"