Saturday, January 8, 2011

Stop The Madness!

Disclaimer: While writing this post I was taking steroids that were prescribed for a nasty sinus infection I had at the time. The steroids made me a little, or according to my wife, more than a little edgy. I'm not usually an angry, violent, sarcastic (ok maybe sarcastic) butthead. Really!

I really hate all the politically correct speak that's going around these days. It's insane the way it's become so important to label everything so that no one gets offended. Don't get offended, just get over it. I don't know why but it really makes my blood boil. Maybe it's because it was originally used primarily for sales purposes to make the buyer feel empowered and feel good about themselves and now it's crept into everyday conversation and it's just a pile of BS.

Let's start with the wife. Everyone seems to enjoy her stories. She loves dogs, especially puppies. Every one she sees is the cutest, most precious dog she's ever laid her eyes on. When she spots someone with a furry little canine friend she has to approach them and pet the dog. Since that's what she wants to do, she should ask the owner if she can pet the dog. But no, she says "Oh, your dog is adorable, may I say hello?" Apparently she doesn't want to pet it before getting a formal introduction. "Hello, what's your name" asks the wife. "My name is Fida and I'm a Bulldog, Shih Tzu mix which makes me a Bullshih." Oh, perfect. Because that's what the wife is going to do with the owner for the next 30 minutes. Lucky me.

The wife also "offers" things to our pets instead of "giving" them things. For instance, whenever I get Pick-Up-Stix she asks me if she can offer the bird a noodle. Are you kidding me? It's a bird. Throw the noodle in the food bowl and she'll eat it. May I offer to smack you upside the head the next time you say that?

How about "caregiver"? That one really gets my panties in a bunch. Said with a whiny tone: "Well you're not taking care from the patient, you're giving it. Hey, Einstein, it doesn't mean taking care away, it means taking care of the person. We wouldn't want those thieving, couldn't care less, let them sit in their dirty Depends, just picking up a paycheck professionals getting offended though, would we?

"Happy birthday! How young are you today?" Oh Jesus wept that's so stupid. People only say that when you're really, really old and they're trying to make you feel like you're not really, really old. What's worse is that the person being asked knows this and so it makes him feel even older! It's become an age marker like when you cross over the senior citizen line or when Forrest Lawn Monthly starts showing up in your mailbox.

Flight attendant. What happened to stewardess? It doesn't sound demeaning or degrading so why the change? Besides, everyone on the plane is attending the flight so I guess everyone is a flight attendant, no? A stewardess, however, is an attractive woman in a tight skirt and high heels serving drinks to the passengers. Does that sound sexist? Well it is and so is the world so get over it. Besides, it works both ways. Women don't wear tight skirts and high heels because they want to be comfy. "Oh, let me slip into my stilettos and a skirt so tight it cuts off the blood circulation to my ass and snuggle up to watch some TV." I don't think so.

The latest one I've heard is "family birth name". What the hell? I didn't even know what it meant when I first heard it. My wife got it right away because she's one of "those" people. What's wrong with maiden name? I don't get it. If someone asks for my family birth name I'm going to tell them we don't have one because the whole family wasn't born at the same time. Idiots.

Let me "share" my concerns with you. Let's not. How about you just tell me what you're pissed off about. I have enough concerns of my own. I don't need you to share yours with me but thanks for offering. May I share the back of my hand with you? When I put it that way you almost want me to hit you, right? Wrong, it's just annoying. Stop it.

Significant other. Really? Significant other? The next time I hear that I'm going to shove the business end of a pencil so far into my ear that it comes out the other one. My dog is an "other" and she's significant to me. So is my daughter and even my boss for that matter. Let's stick with husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend. I don't even like fiance. Mostly because it's French. I hate everything French. How about pre-wife or girlfriend deluxe or soon to be ball and chain?

I mean c'mon. Do you really think calorically challenged people don't know they're fat? Do follically challenged people not know they're bald? Do facially challenged people not know they're ugly? Do you think they're all clueless and mirrorless?

What's wrong with you people? Is it just me? Am I the only one that doesn't need or want to feel all warm and fuzzy all the time? Don't you ever want a glass of ice cold water in the face to wake you up? WAKE UP!
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  1. Suddenly I'm rethinking my fear of flying for some reason.

  2. Thanks for stopping by and having a read Bryan!

  3. Ah, a curmudgeon after my own heart! Thanks for stopping by my place. By the way, how young are you?

    [*sneaks away before being beaten about the head and shoulders with a six iron*]

  4. 57 this month. Born and raised til the age of 12 in Jamaica Plain. I used to sneak my transistor radio into bed at night and listen to the Celtics games.