TOMAL Therapy

I did a search for branches of alternative medicine and a list as long as my arm came back. And I have a long arm. Most of them have a cure rate no better than a placebo, but there are a lot of people that are willing to pay for them. This has been going on since the 1800's when snake oil salesmen sold elixirs and potions that claimed to cure anything from toothaches to bunions.

Let's take chiropractic for example. It's not approved by the AMA. The training course to become a chiropractor takes like six or eight weeks and then you're awarded your "degree". The wife goes to a chiropractor. I don't know his real name but I call him Dr. Charlatan which really pisses her off for some reason. The last time I took her for an appointment I told the "doctor" that I've been performing chiropractic on my knuckles every day for years. He said that was enough experience to be his assistant and offered me a job!



Acupuncture. There's a good one. You have aches and pains so you have someone stick hot pointy needles into you and when they take them out you feel better. Let me whip you until you bleed because it will feel really good when I stop! If you're on a budget you can get acupressure. It's cheaper because they don't have to buy all those expensive incense burning needles. They just push on the soar spot with their thumbs. It doesn't hurt as much but it doesn't feel as good when they stop either. You get what you pay for.

Herbal medicine is a another big money maker. I guess it was developed by a guy named Herb and claims to heal anything from broken bones to broken hearts using "medicine" derived from plants. Guess what? Almost all medicine is derived from plants and the only ones that really work are behind the pharmacy counter. There are a lot of flaky naturalists out there willing to pay big bucks for this stuff though. The funny part is that these people are all the tree-huggers who don't want to cut trees down for paper but don't have any problem cutting down rare flowers and plants for fake natural medicine.

Magnetic Healing is one of my favorites. It actually claims to heal something called (drum roll please) "Magnetic Field Deficiency Syndrome". OMG! I've never even thought that my magnetic field might be deficient! I'd better get it checked right away. No wonder I haven't been sticking to the refrigerator like I used to.

Crystal Energy Therapy. Oooo, pretty! The crystals are placed on the body and emit healing energy. The healing is supposed to remove blockages in the body's electromagnetic field. OMG! I didn't know my magnetic field could be blocked! It sounds like magnetic constipation. Except instead of taking X-Lax you just have to sit on a metal chair.

I know what you're thinking. If your ME (magnetic energy) is low, how do you know if it's deficient or blocked? Well, if you don't stick to the fridge at all then it's deficient. If just your ass sticks to the fridge then it's blocked.

There are plenty of people willing to throw buckets of money at this stuff so I decided to get a piece of the action and start my own alternative medicine branch called TOMAL Therapy. It's very expensive but I have a testimonial letter signed by over half a dozen people attesting to the benefits of my health program. The book is available at Amazon and all fine book stores.

Here are a few excerpts citing some of my revolutionary concepts:

EXERCISE
"Exercise is overrated. All it does is make you sore and tired. Why do you do cardio? To make the heart pound harder to exercise the heart muscles. I recommend eating greasy foods. This will clog up your arteries and force the heart to work harder to push all that blood through a tube the width of a guitar string. It's like endless jogging! And it's old school medicine to think it's a good thing to get your heart rate up. There are only so many heart beats in each heart. If you use them all up early you're not going to live very long."

MEDICATION
"Another misconception is that you're not supposed to take medicine with alcohol. Alcohol intensifies the effects. It says so right on the label! DUH!"

FIRST AID
"If you break the skin in a sensitive area while using a trimming device, DO NOT use Neosporin on the wound ESPECIALLY if you are allergic to it. If the wound gets worse DO NOT continue to use Neosporin thinking it will eventually get better. Continued use can actually cause gangrene. Trust me. I learned this the hard way through numerous clinical trials."

HOME REMEDIES
"Water on the knee? A sterilized sewing needle and a sanitary napkin. Nuff said."

TOMAL Therapy! Also available on Books On Mp3's!