Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Dating Tips for the Ladies

I have a few single female friends looking for a relationship and they're going about it in a completely nonsensical way. For them it's all flash and no cash. They were my inspiration for this post.

If you're a female on the wrong side of 30, you're probably over the casual dating thing and ready to move on and look for something more permanent. This requires a completely different approach. Cute and exciting are not the keys to a long term relationship. You need to think financial stability. If it helps, you can replace the term "financial stability" with "unlimited shopping". In this case, it means the same thing.

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Since the eventual goal is marriage, you have to think about the long run. Cuteness and hot bodies succumb to the ravages of time and love fades but money earns interest! If you become one of the 50% of couples who end up getting divorced, you might become emotionally bankrupt but walking away with a fat wad of cash will ease the pain.

Does this make you a gold digger? So what if it does? I'm sure you've been called worse. If you're past 30 and no one has snatched you up yet (I mean figuratively not literally), you're no angel. If you really hit the jackpot and the guy is loaded he'll probably want a prenuptial agreement. Tell him that's fine as long as there's a no oral sex clause. He'll drop that prenup faster than you dropped your panties at the high school prom!

Looking for a relationship is much like renting a house with an option to buy with you being the landlord. When he starts looking for a house, he's looking for something that he may want to live with the rest of his life. He's got to be prepared to spend money on upkeep and enhancements. The dating phase is like renting. The engagement is like the down payment and the marriage is like the final purchase. Since buying a house and marriage are probably the two most important decisions you'll make in your lifetime, don't they both deserve equal scrutiny?

Keeping that in mind, you should have any potential suitors start by filling out an application. Since you wouldn't rent your house to someone without full financial disclosure, you should do the same for renting yourself. A copy of his W2 and last two pay stubs are in order as well as permission to run a credit check. Any guy that's afraid to pony up the information has something to hide.

Here's how the application for renting a house and dating  you would differ:


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How long have you been with your current employer? - How long were you with your last girlfriend and/or wife and/or friend with benefits?

Please list any and all jobs you have had in the last five years. - Please list any and all relationships (including first and last names) you have had in the last five years.

How much was the yearly rent on your last place of residence? - How much in gifts did you spend per year on your last girlfriend?

We're any complaints lodged against you at your previous residence? - What will I find when I check your name at (a real site - some pretty funny stuff)

Did you get your deposit back? - If you were engaged, did you take the ring back?

What is the make and model of your vehicle? - What is the make and model of your vehicle?
This one can be tricky. You really need to bone up on sports car names. For instance, there's a big difference between Viper and Vespa.

Signature___________ Date_____ SS#____________

Just remember that you want your dream vacation to be Paris and not to see the world's biggest ball of string in Darwin, Minnesota. Your dream car should be a Ferrari or Lamborghini, not something from FAO Shwartz.

Money isn't everything though. You don't want to marry a rich neanderthal. Here are a couple of things to look out for:

If he opens the door for you he's a keeper. If he opens the door and walks in first he's a loser

If he patiently waits for you to get ready for a date he's a keeper. If he spends more time than you do getting ready he's a loser.

If he orders escargot he's a keeper. If he orders a burger to go he's a loser 

If you're out to dinner and he says "Please excuse me for a moment" he's a keeper. If he says "Be right back, gotta drain the lizard" he's a loser.

Good luck and happy hunting!

1 comment:

  1. Great Post. Thanks for your comment on Monkey'N Around. The way marriages are failing today there's not many Keepers.