How You Doing?

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So how am I doing? Well, I have my share of problems but I guess most people do. Some have it worse than I do, as a friend of mine likes to repeatedly remind me, but that doesn't really make me feel any better.

I suppose I should look on the bright side. People are always saying you should look on the bright side. There's a lot of unemployment and I still have a job, but I still have to work so that's really more on the dimly lit side.

I'm happily married so I don't have to go out into the dreaded dating scene. Thank goodness I don't have to deal with all the STD's and the blind dates and the rejection. And I don't have to put up with those young, nubile, scantily dressed, sex crazed girls that have nothing going on upstairs. I'm more aroused by the intellectual type that can hold an intelligent conversation. I say that because I want to stay happily married and it's date night.

My car is 11 years old but I did my homework and made an informed choice when I bought it so it doesn't qualify for the "Cash for Clunkers" program. The idiot down the street who's car has been spewing noxious gases and getting 8 miles to the gallon for the last 10 years is getting $4,500 towards a new one though. Good for him, right? Thanks Obama!

California has a program where family members get paid for taking care of other family members when they're ill. My wife and I have a plethora of medical issues but we have to take care of ourselves so we don't get any money. I'm thinking of applying for us to take care of each other and getting the money for it. It's a government program and like most government programs it's riddled with fraud because there is no oversight so we'll probably get away with it. Thanks Arnold!

So how are you doing?

If you answered with "Better than some, not as good as others" or "Well, I could complain but it wouldn't do any good" you're not clever or witty, you're just annoying. Almost as annoying as those people who actually tell you how they're doing. If you say anything other than "Fine, how are you?" you're going to see people's eyes start to glaze over as you begin to tell them your woes.

I'm sure it's all for the best. People are always saying they're sure it's all for the best. What the hell does that mean? I think it means it's the best way to end the conversation so they don't have to listen to you moaning and groaning about your latest problem. They say that, pat you on the back or give you a hug and walk away thinking they really did something to make you feel better. Or at least enough that they don't have to feel guilty about walking away.

Some problems require combo niceties in order for you to get away from the incessant whining. For instance, if someone tells you they just lost their job you can say "Well, I'm sure it's for the best. Things happen for a reason you know. I'm sure it will all work out." If they are still clinging on to you and don't want to let go, you may have to get down and dirty and say "I'm sorry, I have to go now because I'm late for work."

People love these little pearls of wisdom. How about "God never closes a door without opening a window." Well, that's great unless you live in a high rise. Or "Things could be worse you know." That one always makes me feel better because it gives me something to look forward to.

Some people don't have the patience to do the bright side, cheer you up thing. They think whatever you're going through is nothing compared to the things they've had to deal with in their lives and just want you to shut up because they're bitter and think you're a wuss. "What's done is done, move on." And "No use crying over spilled milk." Someone should tell my wife that. I drink a lot of milk and the last time I spilled some she had a conniption. There's a word you don't hear every day. Conniption. It kind of sounds like an ethnic food item. But I digress.

Finally, we get to the people who think your problems are so trivial they decide to belittle you. "Do you want some cheese with that whine?" Or even worse, they play the air violin. I hate when they play the air violin, especially when they do the mini-air violin thing. What the hell is that anyway? I always shoot them with my air gun. it seems to annoy them back.

So How you doin?
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