Addicted to Love

-Celebrities cheating on their wives is nothing new but I love the excuse de jour which is "help me, I'm a sex addict!". That just cracks me up. They say it like there's a guy out there who isn't a sex addict. If a hot girl walks into a crowded room with a little side boob showing I can guarantee that every guy in the room will notice within 5 seconds. If there's a nipple slip you're likely to hear at least one guy lose it and just say it out loud. "Nipple!" For men it's like spotting a shooting star or a firefly. It's a rarity we just have to point out.

Tiger Woods, Jesse James and now David Boranz or Bornaz or whatever his name is, you know, the guy from Bones and Buffy. They've all been caught and they're all crying sex addiction. The beauty of this defense is that the more women you have sex with, the better it works! Two of these guys actually cheated with the same woman. I'm pretty sure that's like heroine addicts sharing needles.

The Curious Case of the Alcoholic X-Rays

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It reminded me of something out of a Sherlock Holmes novel. As I headed to bed one night I turned off the lights and locked the door. The wife and the boy were already asleep so I didn't expect the house to be much different in the morning when I was the first one to rise and shine. Mostly rise without a lot of shine since I'm not really much of a morning person before the crack of noon.

My computer desk is in the kitchen and I have folders full of X-rays and MRI's standing upright on the floor leaning on the side of the desk as they are too large to fit in any of the drawers. I awoke that morning, (awoke being a relative term) took a shower and headed out to the kitchen. As I stepped into the room I saw between 40 and 50 pieces of film strewn about the kitchen table and counter tops. The kicker was that the entire room smelled like alcohol. Surely a mystery worthy of Mr. Holmes. The game was afoot!

55 And I Still Drive

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Holy crap! I'm a senior! A senior.......... really? A senior? Holy crap! How did this happen? How did 55 years go by without me noticing? Whenever I'm driving some gram-pa or gram-ma will cut me off or will be driving 12 miles an hour on the freeway and I'll start complaining that the damn seniors should have to take road tests every year. We have a senior community in our area called Seizure Wor, uh, I mean Leisure World and nobody drives within miles of it. The huge boat sized cars are bad enough but the crazy ones are taking the golf carts out on the street. I don't want to take a road test every year!

Old people aren't the only deadly hazards out on the road. There are Asians, women and cell phones. The most dangerous thing on the road is an old Asian woman talking on her cell phone. It's like Jaws of the freeway drifting in and out of lanes trying to hit anything and everything around it. When you see this coming up in your rear view mirror you can hear that Jaws music in your head. dun dun, Dun Dun, DUN DUN!

Girls vs Cars

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Fast cars or fast women? What if you could only have one?

Cars always warm up quickly-
1 point: Cars

Cars don't talk back
1 point: Cars

Cars are always "girls" as in "She's a beauty"
Girls aren't always girls as in "Shemale"
1 point: Cars

Girls have better headlights
1 point: girls

Cars always have gas
1 point: girls

A car with the top down is nice.
A girl with her top down is awesome.
1 point: girls

With a car, you decide when to put on the brakes.
1 point: cars

With cars, no one cares if there's junk in the trunk.
1 point: cars

With cars, bigger back seats are desirable.
1 point: toss up - depends on your ethnic background.

Cars have mufflers
1 point: cars

Cars don't have knees
1 point: girls

Car seats look good in leather
Girl seats look better in leather
1 point girls

A stripped down, souped up car makes a hot rod
A stripped down, souped up girl makes a rod hot
1 point girls

Decision - It's a tie. You need them both.

Winter Olympics 2010

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Image via Wikipedia

I'm just a casual fan of the Olympics so I missed the last opening ceremonies in China which by all accounts were quite spectacular. Thinking Canada would have to outdo them I tuned in to the 6 hour event with some genuine anticipation. The theme of the ceremonies was the four native tribes of Canada which no one cared about except the four native tribes of Canada eh?

I kept waiting for something spectacular to happen but after an hour or so my hopes were waning. Then when one of the commentators said "How do you top the Chinese ceremonies?..........Maybe you don't try" it was pretty much over. When the torch lighting mechanism malfunctioned it was the icing on the cake.

The games were covered on 3 networks, NBC, MSNBC and CNBC. One of them almost exclusively showed the riveting "sport" of curling day and night. For anyone unfamiliar, this is like boccie ball on ice for neat freaks with a housecleaning obsession.

One player throws a rock with a handle on it towards a target on the ice. Oh! The athletic prowess! Then two teammates with space-age looking brooms clean the ice as quickly as possible. Apparently neatness counts in this game. Each game takes 3 or 4 hours to complete so the excitement never ends.

I don't get these combination events like the biathlon where they combine cross-country skiing and target shooting. I guess the excitement of watching the skiers do the left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot thing for hours on end was just too much so they decided to slow it down by having them pull out a gun and shoot something. Now if they really want to make it worth watching they should have them shoot at each other.

I refuse to watch the ice dancing. I have a simple rule. If you need judges to determine the winner then it's not a sport.

I don't like the up close and personal nonsense either. I don't need to know the athlete's life story. If I want drama I'll watch Jersey Shore. If they are going to keep doing it, maybe the drama should be part of the competition. Snookie could be in the summer Olympic games as a boxer. That girl can take a pounding!

Ski jumping should be done 4 or 5 abreast. There's a little more competition when you're going down the ramp together.

The luge track should end with a ski jump ramp. That would be awesome!

Snowball fighting should be an Olympic event.

At the end of the day a large group of Olympic athletes go home with gold medals. They've made unbelievable personal sacrifices and trained for years so that they can be the best in the world.....on that particular day.........by a fraction of a fraction of a second.

Hockey rocks!

Post Op

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The wife (Diane) is recovering from feet surgery (she had work done on both) and is off the crutches but still on the meds. She still has to wear a plastic boot on one foot for protection which makes for some good times.

As we were coming out of a restaurant one night I opened the car door for her. She leaned back a bit and started falling and stutter stepping backwards to try and catch her balance. She must have taken a good 5 or 6 steps back before I caught her. The whole time she was yelling "Whoa, catch me! Whoa, whoa, catch me!" Hilarity ensued and we've since nicknamed her "DWHOA".

Thinking the end of the crutch use was the end of comical restaurant mishaps proved to be a mistake. As we headed into Denny's I was thinking for the first time in a while that we would be able to sit in the booth without a crutch flailing through the air sending the waiter and nearby patrons bobbing and weaving in an effort to get through the evening unscathed. Nor would a crutch fall from any of the precarious perches she liked to place them on and fall into someone's soup bowl showering the unsuspecting restaurateur with a lovely chicken broth.

We slid into the booth without incident. Just as the waiter approached, the wife moved her foot and the hard plastic boot got jammed between the table support leg and the bottom of the bench seat. She squirmed and wriggled but couldn't break loose. She continued to twist and turn and move every part of her body in different directions with her anger growing exponentially. Her face turned bright red as she cursed at the table as though it had lured her in and then sprung a trap. It was somewhat reminiscent of a scene in The Exorcist. The waiter looked at me with fear in his eyes but I just raised my eyebrows and shrugged. She finally broke free and we all breathed a huge sigh of relief. The waiter asked what we would like to drink but before we could answer (and I'm not kidding about this) she moved her leg and jammed her boot right back in the same place!!!

Then there's the latest trip to our local Mexican restaurant, Casa Franco. Things went well until the end of the meal. For some unknown reason, the wife decided to help the waiter with the plates and nearly made him drop everything on the floor. He regained control of the plates and silverware as well as his composure and looked at the wife with his head cocked like a curious dog. She began to mutter something completely unintelligible, stuttering along the way. He looked at me and I said "At least you don't have to live with her." He then looked back at her and said "Maybe ju take too much medicine. Sometimes I take too much medicine and I can't talk just like ju." It's always nice being out somewhere looking like we need medical advice from a food server.

While completely unrelated to the surgery, another restaurant story comes to mind that must be told. A while back we went to an Italian restaurant with some friends. I ordered the spaghetti and meatballs and as the food was served the waiter dumped the entire bowl of spaghetti in my lap. Everyone at the table gasped and said "OH!" which drew the attention of every patron in the restaurant. At the same exact moment my wife, with a deadly serious look on her face, grabbed a full glass of ice water and threw it in my lap. Now instead of having the spaghetti sauce confined to my lap it's seeping through my pants and running down my leg. I have to say this is one of the few times in my life that I've been completely dumbfounded. I just sat there staring at her with my mouth open not knowing what to say or do.

It turns out she thought the sauce was scalding hot for some reason and reacted like one of those heroes you read about that grab a fire extinguisher and put out a fire before anyone else realizes that anything is burning. When I told her they don't heat the sauce to molten lava-like temperatures she said....... "oh."

Big T

The Holidays

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Ahhh, the holidays are here. Well, according to the retail stores they've been here since the day after Halloween. It used to be the day after Thanksgiving but Thanksgiving is not a very profitable holiday so it had to go.

Everybody will have dinner, drink to excess and insult other family members whether you advertise it or not. While the Christmas season has the highest number of suicides, Thanksgiving Day has the distinction of having the most 911 domestic disturbance calls each year.

Maybe it's because Thanksgiving is not a gift giving holiday. People tend to taper back on their criticism when it's a gift giving holiday. I'm trying to think of gifts that would suit the day. A turkey guillotine perhaps for those do-it-yourselfers. Or maybe little toy wind up pigs that say "Catch me if you ham! Catch me if you ham!"

While not an official holiday, Black Friday has become one of the most exciting days of the year. Who will get trampled this year as merry hordes of holiday shoppers stampede through the opening doors at 5am? Who will throw the first punch as two women fight over the last Shu Shu pet? Will firearms be a part of your shopping plans this year? You never know what might happen as you battle to find something that says you care for your loved ones. What's a few deadly altercations when compared to the smiles on your children's faces when they open that present that they'll always remember for the next 2 or 3 days?

Online shopping is quickly growing in popularity. There are great deals to be found on Black Friday and Cyber Monday. Of course it's rather impersonal and doesn't give you the same Christmas cheer as shopping in a brick and mortar store. I had a thought about that. What if when you click the checkout button a bunch of shopping zombies start attacking you and try to take away your purchase. You have to shoot them all with your virtual gun before you can buy the item. It would be almost like being there!

Ok. Time to have some spiked eggnog then jump in the car and look at Christmas lights. Our city has a 'town square' so to speak so we went down to take a look. On one corner was a Christmas tree with presents under it. On another was Santa's hut with reindeer out front. This is really all anyone wants to see but then there's the matter of political correctness. The other two corners had a nativity scene (the birth of a 2000 year old religious figure), a menorah (to celebrate a religion even older than that), a Kwanzaa thingy (that dates waaaaaay back to 1965) and something from somebody else's holiday that I've never even heard of before. I don't mind people having their holiday, I just want them to do it on their own and stop using Christmas!

Christmas eve. The wife will be all snuggled up in bed in a drug induced stupor because she is getting foot surgery the day before. Good timing! She's upset that she might miss out on the festivities Christmas morning. My son, bless his heart, told her he would help her out to the living room so she could be with the rest of us. When she explained that the pain meds would probably have her in a semi-conscious state, he told her not to worry because he would just prop her up on the couch so we could all be together. I like it! She'll be like a human ornament! I know I'll be putting a funny little Christmas hat on her head. No telling what the kids will come up with but it sounds like a good time will be had by all.

Christmas day and bells will be ringing. They'll be ringing in my ear because the wife went out and bought a recuperation bell. You know, like in that movie with Betty Grable or who ever it was where she was an invalid and kept ringing the bell to summon her family members and they all wanted to kill her. My wife has trouble combining her "requests" so she asks for stuff one at a time. She usually thinks of the next thing she needs right after you sit back down in front of the TV.

She had the other foot operated on last year. She had a bell then too but it was a small bell so we could pretend we couldn't hear it over the TV. This year she went out and bought a two-hander. This thing is freakin' huge! She gave it a couple of practice rings and a few minutes later two people came to the door asking what time services started.

And finally there's New Years. Out with the old and in with the new. This will be the best year ever. It's a new beginning. The funny thing is that I think many people actually believe this stuff.....for the 10 seconds the ball is dropping in Times Square. Then when the giant 7 ton ball hits bottom it's symbolic of crushing everyone's hopes and dreams, albeit in a colorful, festive manner. And then there's the New Years resolutions. I hate the stupid New Years resolutions. I don't have one and I don't want to hear about yours. I hate people asking over and over "What's your New Years resolution? What's your New Years resolution? You have to have a New Years resolution."

I started making them up but I still had to deal with the over zealous idiots who would ask every week "Hows your New Years resolution going?" They ask hoping you've failed so that they don't have to feel bad about failing at their own. So now I make up something that I can fail right away so that they don't keep asking. Something like no more fatty foods. Oops, had turkey dinner with the works on New Years Day. Oh well, maybe next year. Quitting smoking is a good one too. You can knock that one out with coffee New Years morning!

How You Doing?

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So how am I doing? Well, I have my share of problems but I guess most people do. Some have it worse than I do, as a friend of mine likes to repeatedly remind me, but that doesn't really make me feel any better.

I suppose I should look on the bright side. People are always saying you should look on the bright side. There's a lot of unemployment and I still have a job, but I still have to work so that's really more on the dimly lit side.

I'm happily married so I don't have to go out into the dreaded dating scene. Thank goodness I don't have to deal with all the STD's and the blind dates and the rejection. And I don't have to put up with those young, nubile, scantily dressed, sex crazed girls that have nothing going on upstairs. I'm more aroused by the intellectual type that can hold an intelligent conversation. I say that because I want to stay happily married and it's date night.

My car is 11 years old but I did my homework and made an informed choice when I bought it so it doesn't qualify for the "Cash for Clunkers" program. The idiot down the street who's car has been spewing noxious gases and getting 8 miles to the gallon for the last 10 years is getting $4,500 towards a new one though. Good for him, right? Thanks Obama!

California has a program where family members get paid for taking care of other family members when they're ill. My wife and I have a plethora of medical issues but we have to take care of ourselves so we don't get any money. I'm thinking of applying for us to take care of each other and getting the money for it. It's a government program and like most government programs it's riddled with fraud because there is no oversight so we'll probably get away with it. Thanks Arnold!

So how are you doing?

If you answered with "Better than some, not as good as others" or "Well, I could complain but it wouldn't do any good" you're not clever or witty, you're just annoying. Almost as annoying as those people who actually tell you how they're doing. If you say anything other than "Fine, how are you?" you're going to see people's eyes start to glaze over as you begin to tell them your woes.

I'm sure it's all for the best. People are always saying they're sure it's all for the best. What the hell does that mean? I think it means it's the best way to end the conversation so they don't have to listen to you moaning and groaning about your latest problem. They say that, pat you on the back or give you a hug and walk away thinking they really did something to make you feel better. Or at least enough that they don't have to feel guilty about walking away.

Some problems require combo niceties in order for you to get away from the incessant whining. For instance, if someone tells you they just lost their job you can say "Well, I'm sure it's for the best. Things happen for a reason you know. I'm sure it will all work out." If they are still clinging on to you and don't want to let go, you may have to get down and dirty and say "I'm sorry, I have to go now because I'm late for work."

People love these little pearls of wisdom. How about "God never closes a door without opening a window." Well, that's great unless you live in a high rise. Or "Things could be worse you know." That one always makes me feel better because it gives me something to look forward to.

Some people don't have the patience to do the bright side, cheer you up thing. They think whatever you're going through is nothing compared to the things they've had to deal with in their lives and just want you to shut up because they're bitter and think you're a wuss. "What's done is done, move on." And "No use crying over spilled milk." Someone should tell my wife that. I drink a lot of milk and the last time I spilled some she had a conniption. There's a word you don't hear every day. Conniption. It kind of sounds like an ethnic food item. But I digress.

Finally, we get to the people who think your problems are so trivial they decide to belittle you. "Do you want some cheese with that whine?" Or even worse, they play the air violin. I hate when they play the air violin, especially when they do the mini-air violin thing. What the hell is that anyway? I always shoot them with my air gun. it seems to annoy them back.

So How you doin?
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New Words

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I've come up with some new words I'll be submitting to Mr. Webster and Mr. Dictionary.com for consideration to be included in their next edition. I'm sure they will soon become household words so you might want to use them now while they're still cool. :)


Sketty - Because spaghetti is too long and hard to spell. "I'll have the Sketty and meatballs."

Shamburger - Veggie Burger

Holijew - Jews that act holy for the holidays and then act like regular people after they're over.

Clam dip - Female version of "tea bag".

Spraying - Saying prayers to a crowd.

Misterine - Mouthwash for men.

Blouse clowns - Two large breasts on a jogger with no bra.

Manicure - Lesbianism.

Cereal killer - Granola bar.

Haul ass - Donkey.

Keg - What your six pack turns into after you turn 50.

Pungent - Male comedian.

Minimal - A small animal. "We need some traps for those damn minimals."

Fundamental - Donate money to someone who rides the short bus.

Voyaging - Secretly watching old people.

Hactor - A bad actor.

Brainium - A better word for cranium.

Comatose - What you get when your foot falls asleep.

Handicap - yamulka

Brewhaha - Non-alcoholic beer

Listhp - Because lispers can't say lisp without lisping.

Silicon Valley - Cleavage.

Noassatall - Having an extremely small rear end. "Oh, Myomi has a bad case of noassatall."

Ode to Children

A look and a smile and a sideways glance
Leads two people into budding romance
Dating, engagement and finally marriage
It's their first steps towards a baby carriage

A hump and a bump and nine months later
Out comes a baby from the incubator
A boy or a girl it doesn't really matter
There's going to be trouble with the former or the latter

Let's look at both, let's say we had twins
One girl and one boy, a her and a him
He comes out first, she comes out late
A typical woman on her first date

The babies come home, the family's abuzz
Now nothing will ever be as it was
So happy, so joyous, such good times ahead
Hold on, not so fast, read on my dear friend

At night time their crying may at first seem random
But they've worked out a plan and they're crying in tandem
One cries while one sleeps so they're getting their rest
While you sleep for one, maybe two hours at best

The babies are hungry, it comes time to feed them
Mom looks down at her breasts, then reaches up to squeeze them
They're huge now, at least twice their original size
Dad approves, you can tell by the look in his eyes

Time for the diaper change, should be a breeze
We clean and we change her and and do it with ease
You clean up the boy but look out when he goes
That thing flies around like a loose fire hose

Take my advice and make sure you use Pampers
Those used dirty diapers really smell up the hamper
The side of the box states up to 20 pounds
They don't hold nearly that much, at least that's what I've found

Let's move on and move up to the terrible twos
The temper tantrums, the crying and the little attitudes
For the boy it's a preview of his adolescence
For the girl it's a preview of a monthly presence

Now much of the time the kids are quite loud
They're walking and talking cause mom's taught them how
Why then, so often, when they get up to try it
Does mom say "Shhh, sit down and be quiet!"

Mom drops off the kids, it's the first day of school
Now she knows why silence is the golden rule
She gets back to the house and hears nothing at all
It's so quiet and peaceful, you can hear a pin fall

A look and a smile and a sideways glance
Mom looks at dad and says "Not a chance"
Two is enough, we don't need any more
As dad slowly closes the bedroom door