New Words

-
I've come up with some new words I'll be submitting to Mr. Webster and Mr. Dictionary.com for consideration to be included in their next edition. I'm sure they will soon become household words so you might want to use them now while they're still cool. :)


Sketty - Because spaghetti is too long and hard to spell. "I'll have the Sketty and meatballs."

Shamburger - Veggie Burger

Holijew - Jews that act holy for the holidays and then act like regular people after they're over.

Clam dip - Female version of "tea bag".

Spraying - Saying prayers to a crowd.

Misterine - Mouthwash for men.

Blouse clowns - Two large breasts on a jogger with no bra.

Manicure - Lesbianism.

Cereal killer - Granola bar.

Haul ass - Donkey.

Keg - What your six pack turns into after you turn 50.

Pungent - Male comedian.

Minimal - A small animal. "We need some traps for those damn minimals."

Fundamental - Donate money to someone who rides the short bus.

Voyaging - Secretly watching old people.

Hactor - A bad actor.

Brainium - A better word for cranium.

Comatose - What you get when your foot falls asleep.

Handicap - yamulka

Brewhaha - Non-alcoholic beer

Listhp - Because lispers can't say lisp without lisping.

Silicon Valley - Cleavage.

Noassatall - Having an extremely small rear end. "Oh, Myomi has a bad case of noassatall."

Ode to Children

A look and a smile and a sideways glance
Leads two people into budding romance
Dating, engagement and finally marriage
It's their first steps towards a baby carriage

A hump and a bump and nine months later
Out comes a baby from the incubator
A boy or a girl it doesn't really matter
There's going to be trouble with the former or the latter

Let's look at both, let's say we had twins
One girl and one boy, a her and a him
He comes out first, she comes out late
A typical woman on her first date

The babies come home, the family's abuzz
Now nothing will ever be as it was
So happy, so joyous, such good times ahead
Hold on, not so fast, read on my dear friend

At night time their crying may at first seem random
But they've worked out a plan and they're crying in tandem
One cries while one sleeps so they're getting their rest
While you sleep for one, maybe two hours at best

The babies are hungry, it comes time to feed them
Mom looks down at her breasts, then reaches up to squeeze them
They're huge now, at least twice their original size
Dad approves, you can tell by the look in his eyes

Time for the diaper change, should be a breeze
We clean and we change her and and do it with ease
You clean up the boy but look out when he goes
That thing flies around like a loose fire hose

Take my advice and make sure you use Pampers
Those used dirty diapers really smell up the hamper
The side of the box states up to 20 pounds
They don't hold nearly that much, at least that's what I've found

Let's move on and move up to the terrible twos
The temper tantrums, the crying and the little attitudes
For the boy it's a preview of his adolescence
For the girl it's a preview of a monthly presence

Now much of the time the kids are quite loud
They're walking and talking cause mom's taught them how
Why then, so often, when they get up to try it
Does mom say "Shhh, sit down and be quiet!"

Mom drops off the kids, it's the first day of school
Now she knows why silence is the golden rule
She gets back to the house and hears nothing at all
It's so quiet and peaceful, you can hear a pin fall

A look and a smile and a sideways glance
Mom looks at dad and says "Not a chance"
Two is enough, we don't need any more
As dad slowly closes the bedroom door

Auto: Part One

-
It was a dark and stormy night. It was just a little past 10pm and I was looking forward to curling up to a long winter's night sleep. As it turns out, there would be no sleep for me that night, a night that would completely change the world as I knew it.

The events of that evening started with a small headache that grew worse and worse. The pain grew in intensity until it felt like a vise was crushing my skull, pushing in on the sides of my face. The top of my head felt cold, colder than anything I had ever felt before. Then, in an instant, the pain stopped and a blinding white light... well...blinded me, momentarily. My entire body went cold from head to toe. I tried to scream but I couldn’t catch my breath. I felt something clamp down around my ankles and then WHACK, a sudden and sharp pain in my buttocks made me gasp for air and let out a scream. At least that’s the way I imagine it felt.

The day was Saturday, January 23rd, 1954. The place was Faulkner Hospital, Boston, Massachusetts. While my Mom was pushing me out, my Dad was in the waiting room having a smoke. A smoke you say? ? Yes, that’s right and no, everyone in the hospital that day didn’t die from second hand smoke inhalation. Apparently, the human lung was a lot tougher back in the day. The waiting room you say? ? That’s right too. In the 50’s men were not required or guilted into sitting in the labor room “coaching” their wives in ridiculous breathing exercises that did nothing to help the pain. Lamaze my azz. After three breaths, any woman with half a brain will be screaming for a spinal block. And to those who wish to brave the excruciating pain for hours on end so that they can say they had a “natural” child birth, I say you’re a moron and shouldn’t be allowed to have children. But I digress.

I had just left the warm, secure confines of the womb and been thrust into the real world. Going from having my food conveniently placed in my belly to having to work for my meals. All the crying and sucking made my cheeks sore. At first I thought I was doing something wrong because after every meal my mother would hit me on the back over and over and over again. She would continue hitting me until she knocked the wind out of me each time.

It was a strange new world and was going to take some getting used to the peculiarities. I was used to hearing muffled but intelligent conversation and classic stories by famed authors as my mother read to me in the womb. Now I could hear quite clearly, but no one would say anything that made any sense. Just things like “goo goo, ga ga” and “cootchi cootchi cootchi”. Although, the change in conversation wasn’t nearly as terrifying as the change in music. For nine months I had listened to classical music and some lively swing tunes sung by angelic voices. Now each night just before falling asleep I would hear a single haunting voice singing a sick song about putting me in a tree and waiting for the wind to blow me out so I would fall unmercifully to the ground in my cradle. Holy Smoke I’ve been afraid of heights my entire life and could never figure out why. It just hit me as I wrote that last sentence!

I wasn't like most other babies. Take the crib for instance. In yesteryear the crib was designed so that the bars were far enough apart that you could push your head through them but couldn't pull it back without ripping your ears off. They only cared that your shoulders and hips couldn't fit through, thus preventing escape.

Most kids learned after the first or second time. Not me, I was ..................... um ................persistent! Some would say it was because I was a dumb ass, but I hate labels, don't you?

And let's talk about the mobile hanging over the crib. Most babies (who are dumb asses) are perfectly content looking up, mesmerized at the site of the moving objects. Me? I wanted to reach for the stars so to speak. The problem was that while I could use the bars on the side of the crib to help me stand and keep my balance, the mobile was strategically placed so that as I stretched out to grab the stars, my other hand would slip off the side bar and I would fall flat on my face. That caused me to see more stars because the crib pads back then were only about one eighth of an inch thick. The fall onto the thin pad covering the thick wood would have driven my nose into my skull if my nose cartilage hadn't still been in a softened state. I did this so often, many people started to think I was of Chinese descent.

To be continued...............................

Child Proofing, 60's Style

-
Kids these days are unbelievably over protected. I lived through this with my kids because my wife is a safety psycho. How did this all start? Either a group of like minded safety psychos got together and started spreading the word or a guy who's very rich now saw the potential in scaring mothers into believing their kids were in mortal danger and it was their fault.

Let's take a look at bef0re and after child proofing became a fad:

Electricity
Present-Electrical outlets are covered by a stupid plastic insert (that I can't believe I didn't think of) that keeps the baby from sticking a coin in the socket.
60's - Give the baby a penny. He'll do it once, but never again. I know this from personal experience. I also touched a cast iron radiator.............once.

Swallowing Coins and marbles
Present - KEEP ALL SMALL ITEMS AWAY FROM CHILDREN!
60's - Don't worry about it, they come out the other end. My mom had to check a lot of my poop in the early years.

Learn how to ride a bike
Present- Before attempting to sit on the bike, make sure your helmet strap is fastened, your elbow and knee pads are on and your body armor is snug. Ride, fall, ride, fall, ride, fall.
60's - Put the kid on the bike. Push it to get it going, then let it go downhill so the kid doesn't have to pedal so much. After the first fall, balance increases dramatically. (My daughter will attest to this).

Head Protection
Present - Helmet. Fall off the bike and no bumps or scrapes. Your head just bounces a couple of times and then you get back on the bike and fall off again because you know you're not going to get hurt.
60's - Hair. The thicker your hair, the less likely you are to lacerate your head upon impact. You do end up with a couple of large lumps called "goose eggs" on your head but you consider yourself lucky you didn't get a concussion this time. Instead of getting back on the bike, you walk it home because you can't see straight. The next time you get on the bike, you don't fall off.

Fight after school - you come home with a fat lip and a black eye.
Present - Your mom calls the police, the paramedics, the child psychologist and her lawyer.
60's - Your dad asks you who won and then says "Put some ice on it, you'll be fine." My dad said that no matter what was wrong with me. Bruise, sprain, cut, fever, it didn't matter. We didn't have health insurance back then so we didn't go to the doctor much. Whenever I'd see a doctor with his doctor's bag, I always thought it was full of ice.

Playground
Present - All plastic slides, seat belted swings firmly anchored in the ground and plastic monkey bars all on a rubber base.
60's - Slides have wooden steps and a metal slide. Splinters on the way up and a nice friction burn on the way down. That's on top of the 3rd degree burn you got from the metal sitting in the hot sun all day. Swings, monkey bars and everything else were all on a good solid cement base.

Riding in the back seat of a car
Present - Seat belt fastened, child proof door lock on, child proof window rolled up.
60's - Those big cars had plenty of room to stand up in the back and hold on to the door handle to keep your balance. No, I'm not kidding.

In the end it really doesn't matter. I survived, albeit with a few scars. And even though my wife psycho-child-proofed the entire house, (including that stupid thing, that I can't believe I didn't think of, that locks down the toilet seat lid so well that I couldn't get it opened myself a couple of times and had to go in the yard) my son slipped on the driveway and punctured his forehead, he fell out of the tree in the back yard and broke both his arms, broke his wrist skateboarding and dropped a tree trunk on his toe, splitting the big toe bone lengthwise. And that's just what comes to mind at the moment. No matter what you do, kids will always find a way to do dangerous stuff.

"B" Horror Movies You Should See.

Cover of Feast (Unrated Edition)

Ginger Snaps (2000) - A completely unique werewolf movie. Low budget, but in this case it made the movie seem very realistic and almost like a documentary. Two teenage sisters going through puberty suffer through more changes than most.
Trailer

Dog Soldiers (2002) - A nice little low budget British werewolf flick. Tense, edge of your seat action with some great dialog. No innocent teens here, just half a dozen soldiers armed to the teeth.
Trailer

The Feast (2005) - From the winners of Project Greenlight comes "The Feast". Low budget, funny and very, very, very bloody. It reminds me of "Evil Dead" in a lot of ways

Cover of Dog Soldiers

, which is a great movie but outdated at this point.
Trailer

Cabin Fever (2002) - A group of teens up in the woods dealing with toxic waste as well as some local hillbillies. I don't like movies when babies, mothers, or elderly people are killed but you can take out all the teens you want. That's just good clean fun.
Trailer

Wrong Turn (2003) - Another group of teen / twenty somethings venturing into the woods. This time they're up against a family of inbreds. There are actually some really terrifying moments in this one. The female lead, Eliza Dushku, you may recognize from TV's "Buffy" and most recently the series "Dollhouse".
Trailer

Cover of Wrong Turn

House of Wax (2005) - I think a lot of people missed this one because Paris Hilton starred in it and they figured it must be terrible. It isn't terrible. It's actually pretty good. The good: Elisha Cuthbert is in it. The bad: Paris Hilton is in it. The good: {SPOILER ALERT} Paris Hilton gets killed and in a fairly gruesome way.

Night of the Creeps (1986) - At 20+ years old this movie is an oldie but goody. It's classic in every sense of a "B" movie. Over the top acting, some very funny dialog and lots of blood make up for the lack of special effects. If you can get it cheap, pick it up.
Trailer

Cover of House of Wax [Blu-ray]

Jeepers Creepers (2001) - A relatively unknown Justin Long stars in one of his first films. A brother and sister driving through the countryside run into a flesh eating monster. Low budget horror at it's best. It's one of those movies that you find yourself yelling at the TV "Look out!" or "Turn around!". A must see for horror fans.
Trailer

The Faculty (1998) - A low budget film with a slew of stars appearing, including Josh Hartnett, Clea DuVall, Salma Hayek, Famke Janssen, Robert Patrick, Jon Stewart, Elijah Wood and Louis Black. Someone's become a monster, but who? There is more character development than most movies of this type but it didn't take away from the film at all. :)

Doctor, Doctor

I've had my share of medical exams. Here are a few I find memorable:

THE MRI EXAM
So I go in to have an MRI exam done and the technician calls me in from the waiting room. He says to take any metal items like coins, cell phone, watch, jewelery, etc

Image via Wikipedia

and put them in a small locker before we go into the examination room. I ask if I should take off my belt since I've done this before and was asked to take it off the last time. He tells me no, that's not necessary.

We go into the room with the MRI machine and I lie down on the table. He pushes a button to slide the table in and turns on the machine and now my belt buckle is up near my throat. I'm trying to push it back down with my hands because the seam of my pants is crushing my testicles but I hear a voice and it's coming through the machine so it sounds like God is talking to you. The low, stern voice said "Please don't move while the exam is in progress." So I wait it out.

After a few minutes the table starts to slide out of the machine and the pressure on my groin starts to subside. The test isn't over, the technician is just pulling me out to inject dye for the next part of the test. I turn my head to him with a 'what the hell' look on my face and he says "Oh, I guess your belt buckle isn't made of aluminum!" So I said "Did you think I made it out of a beer can or something?" With that, he pushes a button and sends me back in! Buckle back in my throat and pants seam crushing the twins again. Lesson learned: sarcastic remarks should be made only after the test has concluded.

INFLAMMATION
I woke up one day to find one of my testicles had ballooned to about 3 times it's normal size, making it quite painful to even walk. I headed down to Urgent Care and the doctor explained that it could be either an infection or a strain from lifting something. He said there was really no need to find out which it was because he could easily treat me for both by prescribing an antibiotic and an anti-inflammatory.

Eager to avoid a re-occurrence, I asked what could cause such an infection. He said "There are a number of ways to contract the infection," and then added "but the best way to prevent it is frequent ejaculation". My immediate response was "Will you put that in writing so I can show my wife?" He then said in all seriousness "I can do better than that. Tell your wife we have a nurse here at Urgent Care that performs that service." With a mixture of curiosity and disbelief I said "Really?" Without skipping a beat he replied "Yes, but he's only here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

THE PROSTATE EXAM
After I turned 40, my doctor went on a crusade to get me to get my prostate checked. I refused time after time but eventually gave up during one particular visit and figured what the heck, I might as well get it over with. It would just take a few seconds and he would stop his incessant whining. BIG mistake!

He checks and says it feels a little harder than it should and that he was going to refer me to a specialist. Great. I make an appointment and head on in to get a "professional" examination. First the doctor's assistant comes into the room and asks me to drop my pants and underwear. He then begins to squeeze my testicles like he's checking grapefruits! He looks up at me and says "One is a little bit bigger than the other one. Has it always been this way?" I said "I don't know. I don't play with them as much as you do."

Next, in comes the proctologist who refers to himself as a colorectal surgeon. He looks like a character from a Tim Burton movie. He's tall, white and thin with black circles under his eyes and a big black afro. I haven't seen a white guy with an afro like this in 20 years! You can tell by the evil grin on his face as he says "Let's get started," that this is a man who really enjoys his work. The kind of guy who shouted "Proctologist!" when his 7th grade teacher asked the class what they wanted to be when they grew up.

He then proceeded to stick his arm up my rear end up to his elbow, or at least that's what it felt like. He moved his hand around so as to cause as much pain and discomfort as possible and then said that everything was fine. No problem. He told me I should come back for an annual check-up. Riiiiight. Don't call me, I'll call you.

Who is Perez Hilton?

I'd never heard of this knucklehead before the ridiculous dust up with Miss California. Then, after seeing the "big celebrity news" that he was punched in the face by one of the Black Eyed Peas, I decided to check him out.

I plugged his name into the search engine at Wikipedia. I'd never used Wikipedia before but had heard it was a site that was a continually updated encyclopedia. So before I checked on Hilton, I did a search for Wikipedia on Wikipedia. Sure enough, users are allowed to add, delete or edit any of the 13 million articles on the site meaning whatever you read may or may not be true! But I digress.

The first thing that pops up is his picture. He's not a very attractive man to say the least. I guess because I knew he was a Hollywood type I just figured he wouldn't be hideous. Aside from other facial anomalies, his head is too big. There, I've said it. I know you were thinking it.

His real name is Mario Lavenderderriere or something like that and according to Wiki he's got a nasty personality to match his face. Apparently, Hilton has made a name for himself by making derogatory remarks about celebrities in his blog and by "outing" famous people. Since he's gay himself, one would think he'd have a little more empathy for others who are still in the closet. The fact that he doesn't, shows he is only interested in making a buck even if it's at the expense of others. When a celebrity announces he's gay it will have an affect on his career. Might be good or might be bad, sometimes to the tune of millions of dollars. If and when the actor decides to make it public should be up to him. You'll notice I've only talked about this being a detriment to male homosexuals. Everybody loves lesbians........or at least the good looking ones. Trying to think of a lesbian outing that hurt someone's career and none come to mind. But I digress.

So Hilton had a beef with Miss California because she doesn't support gay marriage. Well I for one see this as a valid opinion and liked that she said what she was really thinking rather than give the usual cookie cutter, don't take a side response that you normally hear. Hilton obviously disagrees as he said she should have given an answer with no opinion either way because anyone in the public eye should be politically correct all the time. He then went on to do everything he could to get her removed from the Miss USA competition. Nice.

The latest is that he got in a tussle with one of the Black Eyed Peas and got punched in the face. Amazingly, no one is sticking up for him. Practically everyone, including the toast of Hollywood, are saying he deserved it! I love it! Hmmmm.....a black eye from the Black Eyed Peas. He better be careful what he says about the Fine Young Cannibals.

Big T

Hockey, Where's the Love?

Let's look at the big 3 first.

BASEBALL: Mind numbing, slit your wrists boring! I was given some free tickets and went to the game but the only thing that kept me there for a few innings was the hot dogs which are awesome and the nachos which are pretty good too. Then I left. The game is so slow that when you watch it on TV you can channel surf between pitches and not miss any of the game. The only game more boring than baseball is soccer. Nuff said.

FOOTBALL: Not too bad really but there is still a lot of down time between plays. And that's not counting the 16 time outs each team gets in each half of the game. I don't watch during the regular season but I do tune into the playoffs and Superbowl. I always tune out right after the game though because the p0st game interviews make me cringe.

BASKETBALL: Where do I begin? The most exciting part of any team sport is when your team scores. A runner crosses the plate and the crowd roars! A running back breaks through the line and jumps into the end zone and the whole stadium is on its' feet! A fleet footed right winger races down the ice and rips a slap shot over the goalies' glove hand and the cheers are deafening. When both teams score 50 times a game, not so exciting.

Add the fact that there is a stoppage in play every time there is a foul (every other minute) and there is no flow to the game at all. Here I actually have some constructive criticism that would help speed up the game and make it a little more exciting. NO MORE FOUL SHOTS! If a foul is committed, 1 or 2 points are awarded according to the foul and play goes on. I guarantee there will be far less fouls and a faster paced game. Besides, doesn't it irk you to watch a guy who gets paid millions of dollars to play basketball miss a freakin' free throw? Here too it's prudent to change the channel before the post game interviews.

Now let's try and think of what would make a perfect spectator sport. Something fast and exciting. A game that doesn't have a lot of stoppages. So few in fact that the players have to change on and off the playing field while the play is in progress! A contact sport where you can hit your opponent as hard and often as you like. And if you really get pissed off you can beat the crap out of him with the only punishment being a 5 minute "time out" in the corner.

OMG! That's hockey! Players skating at speeds approaching 30 mph shooting a frozen piece of vulcanized rubber (basically a rock) at speeds of 100 mph and up. Play often going 6, 7 or 8 minutes at a time without a whistle and rule changes when possible to have even less stoppages. A contact sport where guys with broken ribs continue to play with a flak jacket on. Guys with broken jaws routinely play with their jaws wired shut. Guys that have teeth knocked out or get a serious laceration are sewn up in the dressing room and sent back out on the ice within minutes!

All of this and hockey still doesn't have a national TV contract due to low ratings. WHY AREN'T YOU PEOPLE WATCHING??????

Big T